The Empty Pine Box…#337

[Fighting with Words, Poetry or Prose are My Weapons.]  EAJM

The Empty Pine Box…#337
Horror haunted- trying to lay out one’s days – schedules
Keeping relentless. Isolated yet fearless, in this desert land
Called Cancer -"Oh God!" I say, "Object of evil – the devil!
I tell this soul with sorrow laden if, with the angels of healing
Protect me in this desert land called Cancer –
I walk on the black sands of time, unbroken in mind but sound
 In spirit.  Take this loneliness from my heart, keep evil from my
Soul.  Protect me in this desert land called Cancer –
I dream of demons, shadows surround me, am I protected?
It is in the night that I feel weak and weary.  It is the waking
That I find myself drenched with sweat.  Was there someone
Rhythmically shaking me awake.  Protect me in this desert land
Called Cancer –
The box in the corner, a pine box, empty.  Without fear, I face
My terror; my heart pounds in my chest.  I pray many times a
Day, my soul grows stronger.  The shadows are gone, only the
Drenching of my cloths give way to the nightmare.  I whisper,
“Please, no more”.  Protect me in this desert land
Called Cancer –
I believe that I hear the Black Crows calling outside my window.
It is a myth that they bring death, I close my ears to the sounds
Of the Ravens.  Birds or Beast, they break the confines of my soul
And I know they too will be gone soon.  I have wheeled myself
In front of my terror, depressing, frightening, evil. 
Protect me in this desert land called Cancer –

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Fear and Pain, a Gift…#336

 
It is through what I call a “brain fog” that I create “Fear and Pain, a Gift”.  I try to gather and put upon paper my thoughts.  I have stopped thinking of a day, one, two etc.; they run together and get in the way of what I want to say.  I send immense love to all of you, so many have kept me in their thoughts, as I have you.  You will never know how precious your prayers are to me.  EAJM

Fear and Pain, a Gift  


What is growing old all about?
It is not a new question for me,
I have given thought to the
Subject since I was young. 
Unloved by my mother, though
I always loved her dearly; she
Was emotionally absent in my
Life; as was my daddy in many
Ways.  So, at the start of this
Flight into the Imagination, the
Answer was Simple.  I would die
Very young!
II.
I did not want to be alone and
Unloved, dying young would
Prevent my fears from coming
Into the light of day; where I
Must face them.  Afraid to face
The truth, afraid to face reality. 
I provided the shell that would
Protect me.  I would not give into
My fears, and never have been
Afraid to die.
III.
Then at a very young age, I was
Married and gave birth to my
First daughter.  I was about to
Take a journey that would give
Me joy, unconditional love.  As
Each day passed I felt the strength
Of a “Warrior”, I was given the
Responsibility to take care of my
Child.  Strength, not decay. Each
Nerve in my body strung with a
Fierce message that it was not in
My youth that I dreamed it would
Be!  The golden days lay within
The realm of being a good mother,
As good as it could be, from day
Break to sunsets glow.
IV.
I soon looked at the world in a
Different light, my heart both wept
And shoved the fullness of the past,
Those years would lay dormant.  If
Not but for awhile!  I was never
Young, I lived in the hot prison of the
Present with a bruised mind and
Body.  What I felt deep within my
Heart would fester and grow, but it
Would never be a part of my being
A mother.  Masked emotion would
Be my past, present, and future.
V.
To suffer was the plan, not one from
Me but from as higher power.  I am
But a hollow ghost, a phantom of one
Who was given the greatest duty? 
The last stage is not one in pain and
Agony, but that of one that has been lifted
Toward the Heavens and on Earth has been
Given the greatest gift of them all, five
Wonderful souls, my children and being
Their mother.  Five brilliant children who
Love me unconditionally. I and my love
For them keeps me moving forward.

Day 2…#335

The first cancer treatment is a day behind me.  Today is worse than yesterday.  Weak, shaky, slight headache.  “Bad” blood cells have increased within one week from 70% to 80%, that window of 20% looks increasingly that it is going in the wrong direction.  Chemo is aggressive; I have 4 days to get to feeling better before the next round.  I have a wonderful physician, best in Wisconsin.  No, I have not given up…my body is at war at the moment.  Short note, but it’s about all I can manage today.  This brain fog I am in leaves no room for creating; however, I may try to post some older works.  The book has been set aside for now as well.  Have a great week, peace and praise to all of you.

EAJM