Fear and Pain, a Gift…#336

 
It is through what I call a “brain fog” that I create “Fear and Pain, a Gift”.  I try to gather and put upon paper my thoughts.  I have stopped thinking of a day, one, two etc.; they run together and get in the way of what I want to say.  I send immense love to all of you, so many have kept me in their thoughts, as I have you.  You will never know how precious your prayers are to me.  EAJM

Fear and Pain, a Gift  


What is growing old all about?

It is not a new question for me,

I have given thought to the

Subject since I was young. 

Unloved by my mother, though

I always loved her dearly; she

Was emotionally absent in my

Life; as was my daddy in many

Ways.  So, at the start of this

Flight into the Imagination, the

Answer was Simple.  I would die

Very young!

II.

I did not want to be alone and

Unloved, dying young would

Prevent my fears from coming

Into the light of day; where I

Must face them.  Afraid to face

The truth, afraid to face reality. 

I provided the shell that would

Protect me.  I would not give into

My fears, and never have been

Afraid to die.

III.

Then at a very young age, I was

Married and gave birth to my

First daughter.  I was about to

Take a journey that would give

Me joy, unconditional love.  As

Each day passed I felt the strength

Of a “Warrior”, I was given the

Responsibility to take care of my

Child.  Strength, not decay. Each

Nerve in my body strung with a

Fierce message that it was not in

My youth that I dreamed it would

Be!  The golden days lay within

The realm of being a good mother,

As good as it could be, from day

Break to sunsets glow.

IV.

I soon looked at the world in a

Different light, my heart both wept

And shoved the fullness of the past,

Those years would lay dormant.  If

Not but for awhile!  I was never

Young, I lived in the hot prison of the

Present with a bruised mind and

Body.  What I felt deep within my

Heart would fester and grow, but it

Would never be a part of my being

A mother.  Masked emotion would

Be my past, present, and future.

V.

To suffer was the plan, not one from

Me but from as higher power.  I am

But a hollow ghost, a phantom of one

Who was given the greatest duty? 

The last stage is not one in pain and

Agony, but that of one that has been lifted

Toward the Heavens and on Earth has been

Given the greatest gift of them all, five

Wonderful souls, my children and being

Their mother.  Five brilliant children who

Love me unconditionally. I and my love

For them keeps me moving forward.

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