It is through what I call a “brain fog” that I create “Fear and Pain, a Gift”. I try to gather and put upon paper my thoughts. I have stopped thinking of a day, one, two etc.; they run together and get in the way of what I want to say. I send immense love to all of you, so many have kept me in their thoughts, as I have you. You will never know how precious your prayers are to me. EAJM Fear and Pain, a Gift What is growing old all about?
It is not a new question for me,
I have given thought to the
Subject since I was young.
Unloved by my mother, though
I always loved her dearly; she
Was emotionally absent in my
Life; as was my daddy in many
Ways. So, at the start of this
Flight into the Imagination, the
Answer was Simple. I would die
I did not want to be alone and
Unloved, dying young would
Prevent my fears from coming
Into the light of day; where I
Must face them. Afraid to face
The truth, afraid to face reality.
I provided the shell that would
Protect me. I would not give into
My fears, and never have been
Afraid to die.
Then at a very young age, I was
Married and gave birth to my
First daughter. I was about to
Take a journey that would give
Me joy, unconditional love. As
Each day passed I felt the strength
Of a “Warrior”, I was given the
Responsibility to take care of my
Child. Strength, not decay. Each
Nerve in my body strung with a
Fierce message that it was not in
My youth that I dreamed it would
Be! The golden days lay within
The realm of being a good mother,
As good as it could be, from day
Break to sunsets glow.
I soon looked at the world in a
Different light, my heart both wept
And shoved the fullness of the past,
Those years would lay dormant. If
Not but for awhile! I was never
Young, I lived in the hot prison of the
Present with a bruised mind and
Body. What I felt deep within my
Heart would fester and grow, but it
Would never be a part of my being
A mother. Masked emotion would
Be my past, present, and future.
To suffer was the plan, not one from
Me but from as higher power. I am
But a hollow ghost, a phantom of one
Who was given the greatest duty?
The last stage is not one in pain and
Agony, but that of one that has been lifted
Toward the Heavens and on Earth has been
Given the greatest gift of them all, five
Wonderful souls, my children and being
Their mother. Five brilliant children who
Love me unconditionally. I and my love
For them keeps me moving forward.